your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
