i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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