you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It's official drugs can't kill me
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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