she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
