Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
