when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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