yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
