If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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