Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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