I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
