i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
