The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
We left the knife in your bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
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