It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
