Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
