I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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