i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She even gives head with a lisp.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.