dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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