I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
