I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
