my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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