"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
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I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
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Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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