my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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