Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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