I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
