I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
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He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
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What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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