I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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