Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
