My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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