My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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