You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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