The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
worst night to have a conscience
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
