yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
