Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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