yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Ketchup is God's man juice
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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