Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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