Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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