It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
