he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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