It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
