He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
