What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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