how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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