Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
