If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
