I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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