I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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