I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
