everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
