nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
