Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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