my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
