Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
