The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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