She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
