An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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