Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
