Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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