Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
youre lurking in front of me
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
